She'll Never Say I'm Sorry
by tectrices
Summary: The Sohma family has many secrets. And finally Tohru has a chance to discover the truth for herself. After Akito's untimely death, Tohru finds the key to understanding the head of the family. But because of it, she will never be the same.
1. Prologue: The Ways We Die

_**She'll Never Say "I'm Sorry"

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket._  
**A/N:** This is an AR fic-- it takes place in the same universe, but I've changed a few things around. It's centered mainly on Tohru, with Akito coming in through entries in a diary-- seen through Tohru's eyes as she reads. This follows the manga plotline up to a point (because obviously Akito's still alive) and then veers off into my own ideas. I hope you enjoy this, and thank you for reading!

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_**Prologue:** The Ways We Die _

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I can feel my body dying.

_It isn't a new feeling, or a particularly bad feeling, but it overwhelms all my other senses. I'm weak. I'm surprised I'm still strong enough to write, to pen down these last few words. I don't think I'll last more than another week._

_And all of my zodiac will be free._

_Will they mourn?_

_Will they cry?_

_Will they love their new God as they loved me?_

_I can not know. I will never know. They will go on after I am gone, maybe bruised, maybe scarred, but... still living._

_Will they forget me?_

_I'm ready to face whatever lies beyond this life. I am not happy; I am not even myself at times. All I understand is this suffering. All I understand is this never-ending pain. Will it stop when I die? Will my life really flash before my eyes? Will I wake up in a new body, in a new time? Will I wake up to fire and eternal torment? Or will I never wake up at all, merely floating along in some otherwordly sea? I don't know; I don't even want to imagine what awaits me._

_I want to lie down, fall asleep, and forget how much I'm hurting. Death doesn't scare me. At least I don't think it does; I've never thought about it more than as just a simple inevitability. A fact that you can't change. Something... permanent and independent of every other influence. I'm not even sure if I'll remember this life at all when I'm gone. I don't know if I'll remember any of the wretched people I encountered in this life._

_Yuki, the rat..._

_the Cat..._

_Hatori..._

_Kureno..._

_that damn woman..._

Shigure...

_Will I remember him?_

_Will I remember any of them? Or will my mind be blank and fresh and unburdened? I do not know. I do not even care to know. But somehow, in this weary, worn body, I know that it's almost time for me to find out._

_I hate you. All of you._

_I hate you almost as much as I love you. I did love you; I don't care if you don't believe me or if you think I have some hidden agenda, I loved you and I leave no room for argument._

_And that's it. I'm ready to go. With so much unfinished here, will I ever be at peace? Will I come back as a spirit? Will I be able to atone for my sins, or will I be absolved of them instantly? I don't know. I don't care._

_Not anymore._

_Goodbye.  
_**---------------------------------**

Akito lay down, throwing the small black book across the room, feeling wasted and tired and ready to fade into darkness.

Two days passed.

Akito died.

And the lives of the twelve– no, _thirteen_– would never be the same again.

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_: end prologue :

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_End A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review and tell me if you like it! Give the story a chance; I promise it'll get better!  



	2. One: Shadows

_**She'll Never Say "I'm Sorry"**_

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket._  
**A/N:** Here's chapter one, everyone! I appreciate the reviews for the prologue, and I hope this is well received, also. Ahh, a quick but rather vitally important note. I read the MANGA-- almost all of it that's been released thus far-- and that's what I base the events in the story on. There are certain... _facts_ that cannot really be ignored. You'll find them out through the fic, in a different way, but just know they're going to be included. Right. Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter; it's not as long as I would have liked, but I felt like I had written enough. Alright; thanks for reading! 

Enjoy!

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**Chapter One: **_Shadows_  
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The atmosphere was heavy.

Of course, at any gathering where all the cursed ones were present, the atmosphere could be expected to hang a little thicker and weigh on mortal hearts a little more taxingly. Even the cat was there– the one left out of the zodiac. The_ monster_, the one that was looked down on, the one whose very humanity was all but sacrificed for the good of tradition by some long-forgotten– but still obeyed– mandate of their wretched curse.

And so things were even more tense than they usually were.

No one was sure how they were supposed– or allowed– to feel. Should they be sad? Should they mourn? Should they put on the act of sorrow?

Or would they be allowed to rejoice? Even if it was small, they finally had a pinprick of light– some semblance of freedom after so many long years of bondage. Could they go on as they normally did? Was there some procedure to be followed? No one knew, but no one dared to voice a question.

The funeral was short.

After a short, sterile sort of service, the members of the zodiac gathered together in a large, unfamiliar room. Someone, it seemed, had something to say.

Kureno stood before them, seeming tired and worn and so unusually _old_ for his young age.

He cleared his throat before addressing them. "Everyone," he said quietly, his voice as thick as the dust around them, "please listen for a moment."

All the Sohma heads turned towards him, ears open to what he was going to say. He stepped forward, a dusty look in his sad eyes. "Akito, as I'm sure you're aware has moved on. He... I cannot say he was kind. But I cannot say he was entirely evil either. Akito was broken– from childhood, Akito was broken. He was fragile, made of glass. I only hope he's happier now. I only hope _we_ can be happier now."

He cleared his uncomfortably and looked around. "Before all of you leave, though, there is one more thing. Akito had few possessions of his own, but... I do not think he would like them in the hands of strangers. I've prepared small boxes for all of you, if you'd like to have a... a memory of our former God. Thank you, everyone, for attending." He bowed and left without another word.

They all stared at each other blankly.

Suddenly, a quiet roar of chatter rose up from the silence. No one was quite sure how to feel. No one was quite sure what to do.

Yuki spoke quietly to Haru, trying to decipher the mass of feelings in his mind. Kagura clung to Kyo, knowing that neither needed comfort, but wanting it all the same.

Shigure stood silently alone, his eyes glazed over with numbness. He couldn't believe Akito was dead.

"How are you Gure-san?" Ayame asked, surprising his silent cousin. "Shocked, aren't you?" He scanned the room. "It seems the feeling's mutual."

Shigure shook his head, about to speak. But he couldn't. He didn't know what to say. So he smiled crookedly and shrugged indifferently. "I can barely believe it. I almost expected... Well, expected him to live forever."

"I'm sure you did," Hatori's voice announced blandly, the man himself coming up beside them. He looked at Shigure sternly, as though aware of what was bubbling below the surface. "Are you going to be alright, Shigure?"

He seemed almost offended by the question. "Alright? I think I can safely say I'll be just fine. People die everyday; why should one... One..." He clenched his jaw and glared off at something in the distance. When he spoke again his voice was low and strained. "Why should Akito's death by any different?"

Ayame floundered silently, not used to giving comfort– only receiving it. He could feel the palpable waves of pain Shigure was emitting, could feel his cousin's thinly hidden distress. And it worried him. Deeply.

Hatori took a deep drag from his cigarette, not caring that he was still inside. He understood why Shigure was hurting. And detaching himself from his own upset he felt sympathy enough to want to be of some assistance. He knew the physical body well enough– surely he'd be able to help counsel for emotional health as well. "How do you think the younger ones are taking it?"

"They're probably pleased," Shigure said bluntly. "Akito's gone; that's one step closer to freedom. Who knows? Since all the zodiac is here with no God, maybe the curse will be weak enough to break." He gazed at all the others not in his confidence coldly. "It happened once. It could happen again."

Ayame nodded, the heavy braid in his hair moving with him. "That is our one speck of light. Akito was doing better– I truly thought that soon the shadow that covered him would be lifted."

Shigure smiled sadly. "So did I, Aaya. So did I."

Hatori turned his head towards his cousin with a snap. But Shigure just shook his head. Questions would be unwelcome, and unless he was in a particularly excellent mood they'd probably be completely ignored.

"Well," Hatori said finally, his voice sounding weary, "It's probably best we all go soon. This place... It reeks of decay. It's not good for anyone to be here long." Hesitantly, he clapped a hand on Shigure's shoulder. "Don't dwell on it."

Ayame offered a smile, then followed Hatori away. Shigure looked around and spotted Yuki and Kyo. It was about time they headed home.

"Yuki-kun!" Shigure called, his voice not quite happy but on the same token not quite sad. "Are you ready to leave? We've left our poor flower alone long enough."

Yuki sighed. "Alright, Shigure. Get the cat and we'll go."

Shigure nodded and rushed off after Kyo.

Yuki sighed again. What did he ever do that forced him to endure such idiocy? He began to walk towards the exit– but then Kureno stopped. Yuki was surprised; he had never really spoken to the rooster before.

"Akito..." Kurneo looked at him awkwardly. "I have a few things I picked out for you and your housemates to have from Akito's things. Would you... Would you mind coming with me to get the box? It is rather like your inheritance after all, and I'm sure Shigure-nii and Kyo would like to see what all is there." He looked at the rat imploringly. "Will you take it home for me?"

Confused and a bit disconcerted, Yuki nodded. "Alright, Kureno-san, I'll get the box from you. I assure you, it isn't that much of an inconvenience."

For whatever reason, Kureno seemed amazingly relieved. "Thank you so much."

* * *

Shigure burst into his home with a giant yawn. "Mmm... Tohru-kun! Tohru-kun! Oh dearest Tohru-kun, your hulking, hurtful menfolk have arrived! Have you missed us terribly, my little flower?" 

Tohru came rushing in, her eyes wide with concern. She bobbed down in a brief bow. "Welcome home Shigure-san, Yuki-kun, and Kyo-kun. I hope the funeral wasn't too... distressing. Are you all feeling well?"

Yuki smiled at her kindly as Kyo sneered and looked away. "We're fine, thank you. I'm going to go to my room for a bit, though; I'm rather tired." He set the box of Akito's old things down on the floor. "Here– Shigure you can go through this."

"What the hell is that?" Kyo asked rudely. "And why'd you have to take it all the way here?"

Yuki rolled his eyes. "Stupid cat. It's the box of things Akito left us. Kureno-san asked me to be sure and take it with me." He looked at Shigure. "I thought maybe you'd know why he seemed so adamant."

Shigure shrugged. "Me, a mere novelist, know how his mysterious mind– or perhaps Akito's mysterious mind– works? No, no, I'm just as in the dark as you are." Shigure gave the lopsided cardboard box a soft kick. "When I have some spare time I'll pick through it later. There's probably nothing good in there, anyway– certainly nothing worth anything."

"Oh." Tohru looked up at him, some unreadable expression in her eye. "If... Ahh, um... Shigure-san?" she finally asked, her voice quiet.

He seemed a little confused by her reaction. He put an almost fatherly hand on top of her head. "What is it, Tohru-kun?"

Her voice was thin, and little more than a whisper. "I'm sorry, Shigure-san."

He laughed, still quite confused. Yuki and Kyo just stood there jealously, wondering why their foolish guardian deserved so much of Tohru's attention. "For what? What are you sorry for, Tohru-kun? I'm afraid I don't understand."

She smiled at him sadly. "You look like you're hurting. I wish I could take that pain away."

There was an awkward moment between all of them, when no one was quite sure what to say. Finally, Shigure spoke. "Hurting? Tohru-kun, you mistake me. I... Well _naturally_ I'm simply devastated by our Akito's death, but I..." He tried to grin at her good-naturedly. "I'm sure I'm just fine. Simply... alright."

Kyo rolled his eyes. "You stupid dog; the act's over. Don't be like that– even if you were just a sniveling servant, you're just as happy Akito's gone as the rest of us are. Don't make Tohru worry." He glared at Shigure fiercely for one intense moment, then stiffly turned and walked out of the room.

Yuki sighed. "As I said, I'll be in my room. Good evening, Honda-san."

Tohru responded politely, and watched casually as Yuki strode away. A few moments after he was gone, she nodded to her guardian. "Um... I'm going to the kitchen, Shigure-san– so I can prepare the next meal. I'll be in there if you need anything." And with another quick smile, she disappeared into the other room.

"Well," he muttered to himself, feeling rather more alone than he liked, "it's been a long day." He scanned the room, noticing things that it seemed he had never seen before. The room was different somehow– he felt like a stranger in his own home. The feeling unnerved him more than he was comfortable admitting.

Shigure yawned, and stretched out his arms over his head. "Ahh, it's pointless dwelling on it," he said to no one. "Sleep would be good for me, anyway." And with a sad smile, he headed for his bed.

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For days after that, the box from Akito's sat in the same place, utterly ignored. All four passed by it every day, but hardly ever gave it a passing thought. Until one day, of course, when Kyo tripped. 

"Gah!" he screamed as he, not looking where he was going, ran straight into the box and then flat on the floor.

Yuki stood, looking darkly amused. "You stupid cat; I should have expected something like this from you. I guess it's not true, what they say– that cats always land on their feet. You, quite clearly, landed right on your ass."

Kyo glared. "Shut up, you damn rat. I wouldn't have tripped if you hadn't been provoking me."

"Oh right, blame everyone else for your own faults."

Kyo stood up, looking ready to pounce. But just then, Tohru rushed in, having heard the commotion and beginning to worry about it. "What's the matter, Kyo-kun?" she asked fretfully. "Did you hurt yourself? Are you all right? Oh Yuki-kun, where the two of you fighting again?"

Kyo shook his head and grunted in the negative. "Don't worry, you little idiot, I'm fine. I just..." He looked sideways and down, obviously a little embarrassed. "I tripped over that stupid box that's been lying there forever."

"Oh no!" Tohru exclaimed. "We... We should move it before someone else gets hurt! Oh Kyo-kun, I'm so sorry! I'll bet poor Shigure-san forgot it was there; I should have reminded him! I'll go tell him right now so you won't trip again!" She rushed out to complete her mission.

Yuki laughed rather maliciously. "That's right, you stupid cat; we wouldn't want you to trip... _again_."

Kyo merely glared.

Meanwhile, Tohru was knocking on Shigure's study. "Um... excuse me, Shigure-san," she said politely, "may I come in?"

Shigure smiled. "Of course, my dear," he said, taking off his glasses. "Whatever do you need?"

Tohru fiddled with her hands nervously. "Well... Th-that box of Akito's old things, it... Um... Ah, well Kyo-kun, um... He tripped. Maybe... Maybe we could move it somewhere else?"

Shigure hit his forehead. "It's still there? My, my Tohru-kun, I've been such a fool! I meant to sort through it days ago, and I simply forgot." He smiled kindly. "As soon as I finish this paragraph I'll go take care of it."

"Um..." He looked at Torhu invitingly. "I-if you wanted, Shigure-san... _I_ could go through it for you. I don't mind."

He looked taken aback. "Why thank you very much, Tohru-kun. That sounds like an excellent idea."

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_: end chapter one :_

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End A/N: Well, there you have it folks! I hope everyone enjoyed this. I personally think I might have gone a bit overboard on Shigure-inclusion, but he IS my favorite character, so I have a bit of a bias. Don't worry, though; the fic will REALLY start next chapter, and Tohru will be, basically, themain focus. And don't forget Akito-- through the diary, whichwe'll soon see. Thanks again; feedback is always appreciated, and reviews really make my day! 

ILB


	3. Two: When the Lights are Dim

**_She'll Never Say "I'm Sorry"_**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.  
_**A/N:** Sorry this was such a long time in coming! I'm enjoying this fic; especially Akito's diary entries. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the previous chapter-- that means a lot to me! I'm hoping this will go over just as well. Once again, please keep in mind that later chapters will contain manga spoilers. This one doesn't, but I don't want you to get into the story and then find out something you didn't want to know later. I'm really sorry this is so short. I didn't intend for that, but... It just sort of happened. I'll make up for it later, though, don't you fret. Thanks for listening to my ramble. 

Now go enjoy the fic!

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**Chapter Two:** _When the Lights are Dim_  
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Tohru carried the box of Akito's old things up to her room. 

"There we go," she said happily. "Now to look through it." She was happy to do the job as a favor to Shigure– and to Yuki and Kyo as well. Anything that she could do to help she was more than happy to take on.

She sat on her bed, the box beside her.

The first item she lifted out was what looked like a blanket of some sort. The fabric was soft beneath her fingers and it looked worn and loved. Tohru held it up in the semblance of an embrace. She took a deep draft of air, inhaling the soft scent that still lingered in the tired fibers. It smelled something like rain. That or...

"Like tears," Tohru said to herself sadly. "Akito-san must have held this when he was sad." It struck a chord in her heart to know that even the great God of the Chinese zodiac could cry. She put the blanket off to the side, sure that someone would want to keep such a precious and sentimental thing.

The rest of the box didn't seem to be very important or interesting. Tohru put a few things aside so she could ask Shigure about them later. He would be much better at sorting out all of Akito's old things, but since he was _so_ busy, Tohru didn't mind doing it for him.

The last thing she came to was a small black leather-bound book. It felt worn– not old, just well used. Tohru looked it over carefully before unbuttoning the snap that held it closed and opening it up. "I wonder what this is," she said to herself curiously. There was writing on the first page. "Maybe if I read a little I can find out."

So she settled down more comfortably on the bed and began to read the first entry in the mysterious little book.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_I had another dream last night. It's still foggy and not very clear in my head, but I think I can remember. My father was there. And he was smiling. I still miss his smile. I think I was crying, but I don't know. _

_This diary is supposed to help me relieve stress, I think, but it's a pain to write in. I don't have anything to say.'_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

That was all that was written on the page, the handwriting scratchy but still just legible.

Tohru gasped. "This... This must have belonged to Akito-san! This must be his diary!" She snapped the book closed and held it up to her chest. She felt almost as though she were betraying its author, reading something that had probably been shown to no one else.

"Oh dear," she said to herself worriedly, setting the journal carefully back on the bed. "I shouldn't be reading this. I... I really don't think it's my place." She bit her lip, unable to squash the curiosity that was bubbling inside of her. "Well... Maybe I should read one more entry, just to make certain that it is Akito-san's."

So, with mixed feelings of guilt and excitement, Tohru opened the journal once again and turned to the second page.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_I sometimes wonder why I was born. _

_But then I remember that I am God, that I rule my zodiac, and those feelings go away. Sometimes I think that that's all I have. I'll never be famous, I'll never accomplish anything, I don't think I'll do anything worthwhile– unless my merely being alive is worthwhile. Sometimes I wonder..._

_But it's easier just to accept it. If I believe that I'm worth more than anything, maybe I really do deserve to live after all.'_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"It is Akito-san's," Tohru said solemnly. "It's really his... Oh, I should give this to Shigure-san right away! I was never meant to have this; it doesn't belong to me, I'm not even a part of the family." She chewed on her lip a moment, trying to decide what to do.

With a sigh, Tohru put everything back in the box, layering the things she thought were important over everything else. The diary she tucked underneath the blanket: perhaps out of sight would mean out of mind.

It was an amazing opportunity, to finally discover what went through Akito's head. But the opportunity wasn't hers to have... was it? She wanted to respect Akito's wishes, and she was sure that, had it been up to Akito, the diary would have been burned before anyone could read it. But she was curious. She was insatiably curious.

"I'll sleep on it," Tohru decided finally, accepting the decision with a firm nod. "Maybe a good night's rest will help me get my head in order. I know I shouldn't read it... So I won't. I just won't." She pushed the box under her bed. "Tomorrow I'll give it to Shigure-san and he can do with it as he sees fit. That's right."

And with a clear conscience, Tohru turned off her light and tucked herself into bed.

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The next day saw a complete turn in judgement. Torhu went down and made breakfast for herself and her housemates. Then she, Yuki and Kyo went off to school. The day was pleasant, just as most of Tohru's days were. She had little to complain of, she thought, and rarely were her days truly bad. In fact, the day was positively _good_. It might have been her imagination, but even Yuki and Kyo seemed to get along a little better. And after classes were over, Tohru was all prepared for an evening to match. 

But she wasn't expecting to falter in her earlier choice.

"Hello my dear flowers of youth!" Shigure called as they walked in. "Have your spongy brains been filled to the brim with new knowledge? Ahh, if only I, too, could–"

"Shut up!" Kyo said fiercely, hitting Shigure hard on the side of his head. "Damn dog... Do you have to be so stupid all the time?"

Shigure gave a fake sniffle. "Ooh... Kyo-kun's so mean to me!"

Tohru, half worried that Shigure was really upset, had to remind herself that they were just "kidding around". It was a concept Hatori had introduced her to not long before, and she was still surprised that everything was fine even when she didn't interfere.

Suddenly she remember her self-given duty. "Ahh! Shigure-san," she said urgently, "I finished sorting through Akito-san's old things! There were a few things I wasn't sure about, though. I knew that you would know what to do with them, though, so... Do you want me to get the box for you?"

He smiled and nodded. "That'll be find, Tohru-kun. And thanks for doing that for me."

She beamed up at him. "It's no trouble at all, Shigure-san! I love to be able to help you out."

Happily, she raced to her bedroom. She took the box out from under her bed. But suddenly she remembered the diary.

'_It's still technically Akito-san's property,'_ she told herself hesitantly. _'I shouldn't read it; it would be wrong for me to do so.'_

She looked at the box for a moment in contemplation. And in a rash fit of unquenchable curiosity, she took the diary out and threw it on top of her bed. Feeling guilty about the decision already, Tohru rushed out of the room so she wouldn't have to look at the small, leather-bound book.

'_Forgive me, Akito-san. I just couldn't help myself.'

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End A/N: Thank you for reading! I'll try to get started on chapter three soon. Review or Akito's ghost will haunt you! Whoo-oo! (hee hee hee) 


	4. Three: Move Among the Stars

**_She'll Never Say "I'm Sorry"_**

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_Disclaimer:_ _I do not own Fruits Basket._

**A/N:** Well here's chapter three! It's not long, but there are three Akki-entries in here, so that's good, right? Let me stress one thing-- since we're seeing all this through Tohru (third-person, but all the same...), she refers to Akito as SHE sees Akito. Um... that's not saying that Akito actually IS what Tohru thinks Akito is. (I think a lot of you already know what I mean.) So... yeah! Through the diary, you'll see what I mean later on. Thanks to all the WONDERFUL people who reviewed last chapter. Give yourselves a hand!

Enjoy!

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**Chapter Three: **_Move Among the Stars_  
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The evening found Tohru pacing nervously around her room. It was late and she knew she should be sleeping, but the weight on her mind was too heavy. Guilt was heavy– she knew she should admit to Shigure that she had taken Akito's diary and she knew she should give it back. But she didn't want to.

That was the real core of the problem: she didn't want to.

As horrible as she felt for it, as much as it ate away at her conscience, even as much as it weighed on her heart, Tohru wanted to keep the diary. Keep it... and read it.

She stayed up an hour later than she normally would, pacing the floor of her bedroom, trying to justify a decision that had already been made.

"It's... Well really it's the right thing to do," she told herself as nervously she plucked at a button on her pajama top. "I-if I find out more about Akito, then maybe I could find out more about the curse. Maybe I could understand why he was so cruel, why he hurt so many people." She looked to her bed, where she knew the black book lay tucked under her pillow.

Abruptly, she turned away. "I should go brush my teeth."

So she went into her bathroom and proceeded to do just that. But that was the second time that night, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to use it as an excuse any longer. She finished brushing her teeth, then starting combing out her hair. When there wasn't a tangle left on her whole head, she washed her face. When her cheeks were pink and clean, she sighed and looked around the bathroom for something else to do.

"Oh well," she told her reflection, who wore the same fake smile she did. "I guess it's time to go to bed!"

With steps that she would have liked to think were confident, Tohru walked into her bedroom, turned off her big light and turned on her lamp. She crawled under her covers and settled back on her pillow.

She sighed, still not certain whether or not she should pull the diary out and read it. After a minute of thought, however, she knew that it was futile to resist the urge. So she quickly pulled out the leather-bound book and opened it to the next entry.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_It seems like being a God would be a daunting task, doesn't it? It's not. It's appallingly simple. _

_I do nothing. I just am, I exist– sometimes I think just to be a larger burden. I am the head of the family– Akito, God– that is who, that is what I am, a destiny that I can't escape. And for a large part of my time– of my life– I don't want to escape it. I have all that I could need. I am powerful, revered– and why shouldn't I be? There is a bond between the members of the zodiac that someone outside cannot understand. We are connected and nothing can change that. Nothing. Nothing! I won't let anything change that._

_Even the one who got away... I still have him; we're still bonded– I know we are. _

_I hate them all as much as I love them, I think. They have more freedom than they will ever know, and yet they still feel so chained and so imprisoned. More ungrateful than... _

_Suddenly I don't feel like writing anymore._'  
**  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"Poor Akito-san," Tohru murmured sympathetically. "I didn't realize that he felt so strongly about the zodiac bond. I wonder what he means by 'the one who got away'... As far as I know all the zodiac are still alive and living here." Undecided, she held the next page between her fingers. "Maybe if I read more I can understand more."

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_I saw Hatori today. He did my check-up, all the while pretending like he cared whether I was well or not. No matter how good of a doctor he is, his bedside manner– with me, at least– is terrible. My beautiful, pathetic dragon..._

_If anyone has a right to hate me, I suppose he does. But I couldn't let him leave me; I couldn't let him leave me! That woman... Kana, was it? Pathetic. That little slut didn't deserve him anyway. He is mine; he is one of the special ones– he _knows_ me, he knows who I am. How could I let him escape? I know he wanted to. I know he wanted to get away. He hates me, I can feel it. I can feel it! I'm not stupid, I know how he lets his feeling fester inside!_

_He hates me! _

_I know he hates me!_

_But I love him. He is mine. Why shouldn't I love him? Why shouldn't I want him to stay near me? _

_He became ridiculously grave at the end of the visit. I think there's something he's not telling me. But it doesn't matter– gods are immortal, aren't they?'  
_**  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Head only filling up with more questions and concerns, Tohru read on.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_Yesterday I wrote about Hatori. I think that maybe I should write about all of them– even the cat, that putrid little monster. _

_First there's Yuki– the rat. He has always been mine. We were together ever since he was so very small, and I know he's never forgotten. He's always been mine. But his love is tainted with fear. I know he's afraid of me– and as long as he's afraid of me I know he will never leave. How can he? The foolish boy probably thinks that I'll come raging after him._

_And who knows? I just might._

_I hate being angry; but they all make me so frustrated! They all conspire against me, insuring that I go mad before very much more time has passed. It hurts. They make me head pound with all their foolish. _

_And who are they to go against their god? If anything, they should do all that they can to make sure I am in a constant state of ecstacy. But no. They insist on irritating me. Some of them... Some of them make me absolutely _sick_! Some of them I want to... to... I want them to just go away! And be quiet! And never bother me again. And never _hurt _me again. I don't like admitting my weaknesses, but there is one wound that I know will never heal. But since I know that no one will ever read this, I–'  
_**  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Tohru threw the book down onto her bed. "I knew I shouldn't have read it," she whispered. "Oh, I knew it wasn't my place." She felt so ashamed that her stomach felt sick. She was invading someone's privacy– reading someone's personal thoughts! And even though Akito had passed on, and even though Akito had been cruel and obviously unbalanced...

Tohru bit her lip, suddenly feeling a resurgence of blasted curiosity. "I know it's wrong," she told herself sternly, "but I want to finish this entry. After this entry I'll stop reading. And tomorrow, I'll give this to Shigure-san. That's what I'll do." So with some measure of reluctance– but also a good dose of the thrill of having something forbidden– she continued reading.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

'_But since I know no one will ever read this, I guess I don't mind admitting that yes, I do have weaknesses. I can be weak. Even though I don't always feel it, I am human. I'm just an ordinary person in a lot of ways._

_Well..._

_That's a lie. In almost every aspect I'm anything but ordinary. _

_I am special; I shouldn't doubt that. After all, it's all I really have. It's all I really have..._

_I meant to write about my zodiac, didn't I? Why do they matter? I know they'll only leave me. I cling so tightly– I have to hold onto them or I'll lose everything. They are my everything._

_Life is a joke. Life is torture. _

_But it is all I know. This _is_ my infinity, this fractured space of time. After all, it's all I can ever know. I don't particularly look forward to death, but maybe I can start again. Maybe I'll get a second chance. Maybe I'll be born again– someone happy, someone unburdened, someone sane. So I don't have to put up with this madness._

_And all this damn irritation! They live to irritate me!_

_A servant is calling me now. Apparently, a meal that I'm to consume is ready. I don't look forward to it.'_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Once Tohru had finished reading, she tucked the book back under her pillow and switched off her lamp. Her head was swimming with a whole new impression of the kind of person Akito had been.

"He seems so sad," she whispered to the darkness. "Did he hurt the others because he hurt so badly himself? I don't know what to do..." She felt tears welling up. "And he's gone now. There's nothing I can do– no way I can help." She turned onto her side, and clutched her blanket tightly around her body. "I have to make sure I do all I can for the others," she told herself determinedly. "I won't ever stop until I find some way I can help them– I'll break the curse if I can; I swear it."

And with that promise, Tohru fell into a fitful sleep.

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_: end chp. 3 :_

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End A/N: Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter-- I know the Akito things might seem a little weird now, but Akito still isn't used to writing, so all the entries are supposed to seem sort of disjointed. Being the god of the zodiac is really all Akito feels Akito has, so invariably all entries lead back to that. Til chapter four, then!  
(Yes; the deplorable absence of pronouns. I don't want to discourage anyone from reading the story, but I don't want to offer false hope either. What do you think the title means? WHO exactly can't say they're sorry? And who even has a reason to say that she's sorry? Hmm? Yeah.) 


	5. Four: Hard to See the Light Now

_**She'll Never Say "I'm Sorry"**_

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket._

**A/N:** Sorry it took so long to update! I'm a fiend, I really am. (looks hopeful) Forgive me? Heh. I'm actually pretty happy with this chapter, though it isn't quite as long as I had originally planned. The beginning is mediocre, but personally I think it ends with a pretty nice 'bang'. Thank you SO MUCH to all the people who reviewed chapter three! You make me so happy. (beam) Please enjoy chapter four. R&R!

Thanks for reading!

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**Chapter Four:** _Hard to See the Light Now_  
x  
x

Whether it was a conscious move or not, Tohru had totally forgotten her promise to give the diary to Shigure when she woke the next morning.

In fact, she didn't once think about Akito the whole morning as she dressed for school. She didn't think about Akito as she fixed then ate breakfast. She didn't even think about Akito as she got to the school building and went into her first class.

In fact, the diary was so far out of her mind that Hana-chan and Uo-chan hadn't even noticed that she wasn't as chipper as usual.

The day passed as any other might, with the usual chaos that seemed to follow Tohru and her friends in its usual abundance. Yuki had a student council meeting that day, so it was just Kyo that walked with her home. She was humming something happily, her mind on the homework that her teachers had given them. Hopefully, she could complete it before dinner, and–

"Hey, you," Kyo said, snapping her out of her little daze. "What's with you, huh? You're acting out of it again."

"Ahh!" Tohru shook her head to clear her thoughts, then smiled up at the boy beside him. "I'm fine, Kyo-kun. Please don't worry about me; I'll stop being so spacey."

Kyo snorted. "You? Stop being spacey? That would make me worry even more." He put a hand gently on the top of her head. "Let's just go home."

Tohru smiled. "Right!"

(Line)

When they got home, they found Shigure working diligently on a new novel. Which, of course, was mildly surprising as– even when it came to work– Shigure didn't like to work _at all_. But he had been acting strangely the past few days anyway, so they weren't as shocked as they might have been. He had been acting strange since Akito's funeral, actually, and none of the kids knew what to make of his change in behavior.

"Good afternoon, Shigure-san!" Tohru called happily. "Kyo-kun and I are back from school!"

"Ahh, wonderful!" he replied, coming out of his study. "I hope your day was filled with learning and laughter, as you travel onwards down the path of your glorious education." He took in a deep breath. "To be young." He sighed. "Ahh, if I were but in your shoes. How wonderful it would be to be in such a positive environment! And to be surrounded by all those high school girls..."

Kyo scowled. "Shut up, you idiot. No one would let a pervert like you be around the girls at all."

Shigure sniffed miserably. "Kyo-kun... So cruel..."

But just as soon as he had fallen into despair, he snapped out of it. "Oh Tohru-kun!" he trilled happily. "I'm going to be working all evening, so if you could be so kind as to inform me when dinner's ready..." He looked at her imploringly.

She nodded fervently. "Yes! Of course, Shigure-san! I'd be more than happy to do that."

Shigure smiled and ruffled her hair. "Good girl."

Then he popped back into his study, whistling carelessly.

Kyo shook his head. "That man... Look, I'll see you at dinner, alright?" Tohru nodded. "Good." Hesitantly, he smiled at her. But just as soon as she returned it, his face fell back into a familiar scowl. With a gruff goodbye, he too walked away.

"Well," Tohru said to herself, "I suppose I had better get started on my homework!"

She went up to her room and took out her books. After about an hour of working and studying, she finally put away her work. "Whew," she said with a sigh. "I'm glad I finally got it all done! Now I have time to get some laundry done before I have to start cooking." She smiled and flounced off to get to work.

For a while, she worked happily. Tohru was certainly not lazy, and generally she was most content when she had something to occupy herself with. After doing about three loads, she decided that she was finished for the evening.

Guiltily, she immediately thought of the diary.

"_Oh, I hadn't thought about it all day,'_ she fretted, _'and I just had to think of it now! I know I shouldn't keep reading it, but... that doesn't change the fact that I want to. I feel like such a bad person. But... Oh, I just feel so curious! Akito-san was so cruel to everyone; I want to know what could have made him act like that. I... I'm so selfish! I'm not even thinking of his wishes."_

Shaking her head at herself, Tohru headed back to her bedroom. She needed to turn the diary over to Shigure. That had been her intention all along, hadn't it?

With determination bubbling to the surface, Tohru boldly grabbed the diary from where she had hidden it under her pillow, ready to take it to Shigure. Then promptly tripped on a book on the floor and dropped it again. The diary fell open. Biting her lip, Tohru immediately felt the same conflict inside her. Read it, or don't read it? She picked it up slowly, feeling the soft leather under her fingers.

Maybe... One more entry couldn't hurt.

Feeling sick with curiosity, Tohru turned to where she had stopped reading the night before. After a nervous swallow, she once again began to read.

'_Today was like all days– an exercise in utter futility. I ask myself again: what's the point? There isn't, of course, any real feeling left anymore– no boredom, no pain, no regret. There's just this phantom sense of feeling that used to be, like a ghost or an imprint left by something heavy that sat in one place for too long._

_I'm alone again._

_I don't like having only my thoughts to occupy me; they tend to be singularly depressing and mired in an unhealthy amount of self-pity. I know I'm not a good person. I do not like to be crossed, I do not like things I don't understand, and I have no reign over my emotions. I never learned– and I was never taught– control. I erupt, and if there is anything around me it will be burned. I'm not a particularly good-spirited person either, and often I'm unhappy. I hate being sick all the time. I hate having to be locked up like this. I hate this wretched life of leisure– it's so meaningless, it's so... lonely. Do I even know that I feel that? It hurts so fiercely that I tend to forget that the loneliness is even there at all._

_I used to think that what I had– what I believed– was enough. I thought I was content with my own little sphere, my private world, my faithful menagerie... But they wanted freedom. They wanted to defy me._

_I don't appreciate defiance._

_Would I be a different person? If I hadn't lost all faith in the world? If my mother, the heartless, ugly bitch, had loved me? If I hadn't had to pretend to be something I wasn't? I've had enough psychological trauma for thirteen people, thank you, and I know as well as anyone that I'm a mess; and though wondering about all this won't help a thing, I can't help but do it anyway._

_I feel... better now, if only a little. Maybe those fools were right in suggesting I keep a diary. In here, no one can judge or condemn what I say. It's so close to... Well, freedom.'_

Tohru dropped the book back onto her bed, tears falling gently down her face. She couldn't help it– was that really what Akito's life had been like? Tohru was sensitive, and somehow, in some way, those simple words had made her realize that maybe Akito hadn't been the monster everyone had thought.

"If his life was really like that," Tohru said with a sniff, "then... Oh, I don't know what to think! Akito-san was so unhappy. He was so unhappy."

She put the book back under her pillow reverently. Wiping her eyes, she looked at her alarm clock. "Oh good. It's late enough that I can start dinner. I... I don't want to think about it any more right now." So once again thrusting the diary out of her mind, she headed to the kitchen to begin her nightly cooking.

Yuki was in there already, waiting for her. "Hello, Honda-san," he said politely. "Need any help tonight?"

"Oh! Wh-why... Thank you, Yuki-kun! That's so thoughtful of you!" She beamed at him brightly, and he happily returned her smile.

Yuki had seemed much happier lately, though Tohru couldn't quite put her finger on why. She knew that, even though he'd never say it, he was relieved by Akito's death. Akito had been one of his greatest struggles, and though Yuki might– she wasn't certain– mourn, she knew that he was also grateful that the burden Akito had put on him had been lifted.

"Did you have a good time at your student council meeting?" Tohru asked, trying to start a conversation.

"O-oh..." Yuki's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "Yes, w-we... We got a lot of good work done."

"I'm glad! You're a very good president, Yuki-kun, and I'm glad you enjoy it!"

"Thank you, Honda-san. I appreciate your kindness."

After they finished, Tohru went to find Kyo and Shigure. "Dinner's ready!" she called. She heard footsteps after her declaration, so she knew they were coming. For the most part, they ate in silence. After dinner Tohru cleared the dishes away. She washed up, then went to get ready for bed.

This time, she resisted the urge to peek into the diary. "Forgive me, Akito-san," she whispered as she lay in bed, clutching the blanket up to her chin. "I only... Want to... help."

(Line)

It was past midnight.

Shigure lay on his bedroom floor, still awake, his mind restless and troubled. He hadn't been sleeping well, catching a nap here and there while the kids were at school. Things were so different; his heart still hadn't shattered, but the crack was growing steadily wider each day.

With a groan, he turned over on his side. The blanket– Akito's, that he had taken kindly from Tohru– slipped off his bare shoulder. He had it wrapped around his naked body, the soft fabric on his skin burning like fire.

"Why?" he asked the darkness, hand fisting in the dark fabric. "Why did you leave me?" He squeezed his eyes shut, the visions in his head flashing too brightly before them.

He could still imagine Akito's scent on the blanket; he could still imagine Akito's slender form resting beneath it. He could always imagine, because those feeble memories were all he would ever have of his God.

And, for the first time since Akito's death, he let himself break down– like he had needed to since the news had been broken.

In the solitude of his room, amidst the mess and the memory and the darkness, he wept. Not a moment longer. He couldn't take another moment of the sharp, dizzying pain.

"I loved her," he murmured through his tears. "Even with all my faults... I loved her."

* * *

_: end chp. 4 :

* * *

_End A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I sincerely enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading it just as much. (heh. I'm such a sucker for stories.) Hopefully you liked the diary entry-- it was odd, I'll admit, but there was a reason for it. And remember, the diary was started about a... year (?) before Akito's death, so it'll reflect the God's change of opinion. Please leave a comment to tell me what you thought! 

Next chapter will give you a glimpse of where they stand with the curse! (waggles eyebrows) Excited?


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